Under Northern Skies

I’m having some much needed R&R this week, at my Parents’ in Lancashire. It’s a very different pace of life up here.Quiet and sleepy, and things get done when they get done – you couldn’t rush if you tried!

I’m going to forget about the stresses of work, the pressure of single-Motherhood, and the disaster that has been my ‘love’ life recently. I get to be looked after by my Mum (never too old), see some of my oldest friends, and of course look forward to going home!

I love being here, I love seeing my family and friends, but I also remember all too well why I moved away. I have considered moving back, but for a multitude of reasons it’s never likely to happen. My life is in London, as is my son’s. When we were married the ex and I always talked about retiring up here. Perhaps I still might. For now, though, I’ll enjoy the all-too-infrequent visits.

 

 

Not caring

I started to write a different post to this, on co-parenting an autistic child. I will do that post some day soon, but today I had a brainwave. I thought a simple thought, something that I already knew, but a thought that has actually enabled me to shift my perceptions a little and maybe begin to emerge from this fog that’s engulfed me the last few weeks. That thought? I don’t need to care:

– I don’t need to care what the ex-husband gets up to, his personal life is none of my business

– I don’t need to care what the ex-husband or his OH think of me, the only opinion that matters is my own

– I don’t need to care whether the ex-husband believes I’m a good parent or not, I know that I do my best

If this makes me sound like a cold-hearted bitch then so be it. I’ve had to learn to be like that to survive. Of course, deep down, I do care about the ex-husband (and his OH), but I can’t let myself NEED to care. That’s the subtle difference. I will do my best to communicate with him and work with him for the benefit of our child. Beyond that nothing else matters. Everything else is an irrelevance and a distraction.

Whilst I would love for us one day to be able to sit down and actually talk about what went wrong in our marriage (and it’s not as simple as I think he thinks) I am under no illusion that will ever happen. We conducted our divorce the same way as the majority of our relationship, with a calm air of resignation. The time for tears and recriminations is long gone. From now on, I just don’t need to care.

 

 

I don’t do New Year

– I resolve not to be bothered by other people having things that I don’t. My life is good enough

– I resolve not to sweat the small stuff. There are enough problems in the world without me worrying about things that really do not matter

– I resolve to get the washing up done immediately after dinner. Waking up to a clean kitchen makes the start of the day a bit better

– I resolve to make time to really connect with someone at least once every day. Even if it’s just 5 minutes over a cup of coffee

– I resolve to let go of the hurt and the anger. I can’t change what has happened

– I resolve to keep my bedroom tidy. It feels better this way

– I resolve to make the most of opportunities presented to me. Nothing will change if I don’t make it

– I resolve to spend at least half an hour of proper quality time with my son every evening he is with me. We both deserve it

– I resolve not to get irritated by things my ex-husband says or does. It’s just not worth it

– I resolve to be happy for a certain person. No matter how much they hurt me they deserve everything they get, and I mean that positively

– I resolve to blog frequently and honestly. Writing helps to keep me sane

 

What are your resolutions? Whatever the time of year I think it does us good to stop and think sometimes about the things that we want to be doing, as well as the habits that no longer serve us well. Some of my list will be easier than others, but I firmly resolve that I will try to achieve even the hardest things.

 

Finding yourself

The thing with being (fairly) newly divorced is that I still don’t really have a sense of who I am. That may sound strange, but I met my ex-Husband when I was 20. By 22 I had a baby, by 24 I was married and had a house, by 25 an autistic toddler and a demanding career. I never got to do much growing-up – I was just up.

It’s almost like being a teenager again, being divorced. Like having to develop an identity all over. Creating the life that I want. Except this time I get to do it right. I get to do it with the hindsight of the mistakes I did make the first time around. I also get to do it with the additional challenges of being a Mother to a disabled child and co-parenting with an ex-Husband, but no-one ever said life was easy.

I’m getting to meet new people, experience new ways of life. New ideas, new challenges, a new me. I don’t really know who I am. I don’t really know where I’m going. And it’s scary, and hard, and at times I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the duvet until reality goes away. But that’s OK. I’ll survive, I’ve always had to. I’ll live.

I would blog more about this whole divorce business, but one woman always seems to say it all, and much better than me. Go listen to Meredith over at Now is Good. She’ll talk you through it.